Mary, Mary Quite Contrary, How Does Your Garden Grow?

 

I enjoyed Peter N. Dudar's The Goat Parade, but to be honest, the cover of Blood Cult of the Booby Farmers was always a turn-off. It was a little to "out there" for my tastes, but having had the opportunity to read (and enjoy) a potential sequel, The Mississippi Glory Hole Mutilations, I figured I'd have to shrug off my initial impressions of the Booby Farmers cover and read it. And what a read!

Dudar doesn't waste any time throwing you into the thick of things. Right away we're introduced to Mathias Tucker, an inbred hillbilly whose twin brother is literally attached to his chest. Yes, they are conjoined twins. The cost of separating them is prohibitive, which is only one of the reasons why Lee Tucker never had his sons separated. Besides the money not being there, there was a high risk of neither brother surviving, and Lee needed the extra pair of hands to run the farm, along with his other son, Tobias. And while both matured in one respect, Bubba, the conjoined twin, never fully developed, and he had a constant craving for mother's milk. But since there were no women in residence on the Tucker farm, that meant it had to be obtained in other ways. Usually by kidnapping expectant mothers. As long as they could provide sustenance for Bubba, they were allowed to live. But more often than not, their lives were cut short by Mathias because as Bubba fed, Mathias raped them, thus satisfying two hungers at one time. Which left Tobias to discard the bodies, but not before severing the breasts, which would be served up for dinner. They have a neat little operation going on, and no one was the wiser. If only they could keep up with the payments on the property.

You know where this is going. The bank is going to foreclose, and the Tucker men think they've got it all figured out until the effects of the toxic poisoning of the environment by the Atkins Chemical Company begin to manifest. And that's where I'm going to leave it, because to say anything more would only spoil the wild ride the rest of the book takes you on. But if you think what I've revealed is wild, you ain't seen nothing yet. To quote Bette Davis: "Fasten your seatbelts. It's going to be a bumpy night."

I'll be the first to admit that I've shied away from extreme horror because, from what I've heard of it, it doesn't seek to arouse a sense of dread and fear in the reader the way horror should; instead, it goes for the gross out. The author attempts to see how far they can push the reader to instill a reaction, not through suspense, but through the vulgar, the repulsive, the sickening, and the gross, which, to me, is not horror, much the way movies like the Saw franchise never appealed to me because it was nothing more than torture porn. While Dudar's novella might be a little tame where "extreme horror" is concerned, it certainly is a book to get your feet if you haven't ventured into this sub genre of horror yet. It also dips its toes into bizarro fiction, which is another sub genre I haven't fully immersed myself in (I have read some, and walked away scratching my head, wondering what the point was of what I'd just read). The author introduces characters and provides the reader just enough back story for you to care about them, but then exposes the chinks in their armor, showing the reader that they aren't as good as the reader was led to believe, and you want to say everybody got their just desserts, but no matter how tarnished characters like Betty-June Gray might be, they don't deserve the torments visited upon them. Nobody does. Well, except for the Tuckers. They got off too easy if you ask me. And as the events unfold, you read with wide-eyed bewilderment and wonder just how much further the author can go?

Would I recommend this? Definitely. As I said, it's a mild book by extreme standards, but it does go where the squeamish fear to tread, and be forewarned... This book is not for people who are easily offended. Rating: 4 out of 5 stars

More Powerful than a Speeding Bullet, Faster than a Locomotive... It's... SUPERHUNK!

 Before you say it, I know...It's not horror. Occasionally I do read books outside the horror genre. Not often, but I do. And I've been a fan of Hal Bodner's since his first novel, Bite Club. The man can blend humor, camp, and horror together (no easy feat) and make it look easy. It just seems to flow from him like blood from an open vein. But when I learned he was writing a superhero novel, I kinda groaned. Yeah, I would read it, but even though Hal had written it, I knew it wasn't something I could just jump into. My main concern was could he do for the superhero genre what he did with horror. I would find out -- eventually. You see, I need to be in a certain mindset to read non-horror books no matter who wrote them. So, as a result, Fabulous in Tights has been sitting on my shelf for a while.

The book opens with the introduction of Thanatos, Centerport's newest supervillain, as he sets about destroying a genetics lab and killing several key scientists who had been working on the Feed the World Project, a project that, if successful, would eliminate world hunger. Not a bad thing, so why would anyone want to stop it? We get the idea that Thanatos isn't as crazy or as bad as some of the other villains that have passed through Centerport because he appears to have some remorse over the lives he is forced to take in order to cover his tracks.

Enter mild-mannered hunk, Alec Archer, a former hustler turned high-end escort agency owner who also happens to be Centerport's resident superhero, The Whirlwind. He's can be a bit catty (I would use another word but it might not pass Amazon's censor bots), has a sharp tongue and, at times, a quick wit, as is evident when he rescues several of Green Gene's employees from the raging inferno. He also has one deep-seated fear, and that's a fear of his secret identity being discovered, as that could potentially put his husband's life in danger. Yeah, Centerport's superhero is as gay as the come. And ironically, especially with the given name of The Whirlwind, our superhero doesn't fly.

What follows is a series of derring-do as The Whirlwind and Thanatos go head to head and Thanatos's ultimate goal is revealed. To complicate matters, though, is the attraction the two feel toward each other. There are several instances when the two are facing off when tights become uncomfortably... well... tight, if you know what I mean. So will The Whirlwind be able to keep his raging libido in check long enough to subdue Thanatos and see him safely to prison, where the hunky villain's dance card is sure to be full every night?

While not as campy or as humorous as Bite Club or The Trouble with Hairy, Fabulous in Tights does have its moments. It's a fast, easy read, and you can't help but be caught up in the story, which Bodner moves along at a pace faster than a speeding bullet. Wrong hero, I know. We're given just enough backstory to come to care about and root for the characters we're supposed to and despise the character we're supposed to despise, especially once the Big Reveal is made. And as much as I enjoyed the book, which I think is a "fabulous" addition to the superhero genre, I do have two key complaints. One, it was too easy to piece together. I knew what the Big Reveal was going to be and I wasn't even half way through; and two, we need more backstory on Alec, we need The Whirlwind's origin story. Was he born with super powers? Did he accidentally come in contact with some radioactive lube that ended up leaving him with super powers? We don't know, and since this is The Whirlwind's first outing, this is something we should have learned. But those issues aside, Fabulous in Tights is the perfect weekend and/or beach read if you're looking for something light and campy to unwind after the long week. And let's face it, after the past two years, we could all use a little bit of campy humor to get us through the day. Definitely check out Fabulous in Tights, and if you enjoy it, don't miss The Whirlwind's second adventure, A Study in Spandex, which is currently available.

Hello Muddah, Hello Faddah...

 

They say never judge a book by its cover, and to that I say, "Bull shit." Prior to reading Camp Death by Jim Ody, I have never heard of the author before, but suddenly this cover kept popping up in various Facebook groups. Some folks might say there's nothing special about the cover, but for me, there's something about it that called to me. I didn't even bother to read the synopsis before grabbing it, so when I started to read it, I was going in totally blind with zero expectations.

Based on title and cover, I thought I was going to be reading a summer camp massacre like Friday the 13th, but after reading the prologue, I realized I was about to read a creature feature. Even better. By the end of the prologue, we know there was one survivor, a girl. You know from this that we will be meeting this stranger again.

Jump two years into the future, and Ody introduces us to our central character, Ritchie, a sixteen year old boy suffering his first heartbreak. We also learn he has a troubled older sister (she's eighteen), although it's never clear what kind of trouble she's going through -- at first. We learn later on what her problem is. It's been decided by their parents that it would be best if they got away from a few days. As a family. Their destination? Camp Death. Actually, it's Camp Deathe, but some smart aleck as crossed out the final "e". We also learn that they will only be spending time as a family at mealtimes; all other times, the kids will be at camp why the parents stay in a hotel on the same grounds. Ritchie admits that if he had known this was going to be the setup, he would have put up more of a fuss, but since they're already there, they might as well make the best of it. Campers being campers, we know we're in for a bunch of spooky stories, and we learn this is the very same camp where, two years prior, there was a massacre. We're not told there was a survivor, but we, as the reader, already know there was.  But who is it? Ritchie's sister Sophie, or fellow campers Becca and Claire? Knowing Sophie is troubled, you immediately jump to the conclusion that it's her. But is it? You'll just have to read to find out. And is the Beast still around? Ritchie keeps catching a glimpse of something out of the corner of his eye, but he can never see clearly what it is.  When Toby, the head counselor for Ritchie and his crew, disappears, we assume that the beast got him. And this is where we learn that there's more going on that we had at first thought.

I admit to being caught up in the story, but this is where it starts to fall apart for me as well. For one, I was expecting a higher body count and less angsty teen drama, but we soon learn that we have a number of unreliable narrators here, which means you really can't trust what you've read so far. I hate unreliable narrators for that very reason. How much is true, and how much is a creation of their own minds? So what could have been a 5 star read has now dropped to a 4. Also, the ending did not work for me. It came totally out of left field, totally jumping the shark, which further contributed to the downgrade. As a reader confronted with a compelling mystery, part of the fun of reading something like this is to piece together the clues to find out who or what is responsible for the events that have occurred. It also raises questions that are never answered, especially where the parents are concerned. When you realize you're dealing with unreliable narrators, you can no longer do this. You also no longer sympathize with the characters because you no longer trust them and the things they say and do.

The book, for the most part, was well written, but it would have benefitted greatly from being turned over to an editor for basic grammar and punctuation. Throughout, the use of commas would have been beneficial, as without them, the reader sometimes stumbles over sentences and needs to backtrack and re-read to understand what the author is actually saying in a particular instance. This happened often enough as to lose another point from me. Again, I know this isn't an issue for many folk, but for this reader, it is.

Overall, Ody has created a compelling tale that keeps you on the edge of your seat because you want to know what's going on. I tend to overanalyze books and movies, or so my friends say, and maybe I'm overthinking things here. But if the unreliable narrators aren't a problem for you, and you can deal with the punctuation issues, I would definitely recommend picking up this one. However, if these things are an issue, I would recommend passing on this one to avoid the frustration you're bound to feel by the end of the book. 

Gone Fishin'

 

This one came recommended by Jeffrey Kosh, since he knew I was a fan of creature features, and right off the bat, I have to say, based on this particular novel, it's a shame Shaun Jeffrey stopped writing (or so I've been told), and I will be checking out his other books.

Fangtooth hooks you from the very beginning. Howser, captain of the Silver Queen, spies an odd configuration on this ship's tracking equipment. All the technology is new to him and he pretty much leaves it to his more knowledgeable crew. Billy Trasker admits to having never seen anything like it. It could be a school of fish, but it might be something else. Well, whatever it is, it attacks the shipping; the ship sinks, taking the crew with it.

Then we're introduced to Bruce Holden, a recently widowed man, and his son Jack and their dog Shazam. I have to admit I almost stopped reading here. For some reason, whenever pets are introduced, they usually used as cannon fodder, one of the first victims of the big bad that lets the locals know something sinister is afoot. Thankfully, that doesn't happen. Hoping for a new start, Bruce and his son have moved to the small coastal village of Mulberry. Typical of scenarios like this, the son is an unwilling captive, being underage and having to cave to parental will, and he makes his displeasure know. From day 1, we know they're in for trouble, when they find the town crazy in their house. We will later learn that she becomes the cause of all the trouble for the Holdens. You seen, Mulberry is experiencing a drought of sorts. Besides the developments that were built all around the town, essentially cutting off the lifeblood to the residents, the waters appear to have been fished out, further jeopardizing the future of the town. We also learn later that the previous residents of the Holdens' new home, which has been vandalized with some strange, creepy graffiti, disappeared mysteriously. And through the Holdens, we're introduced to Erin and Jen, potential love interests for father and son, respectively. And we also find out the reason for the depleted fish population: giant, mutated, deep sea fish known as Fangtooths, and crazy Lillian believes that in order for to make the Fangtooths return to the depths and for the fishing to return to normal, a sacrifice needs to be made, and that sacrifice turns out to be the town's newest residents, since all the trouble started once they arrived. Best laid plans never go off without a hitch, and for folks who have enjoyed movies like Piranha and SyFy's Mega-Piranha, we know fish don't travel alone, and what was thought to be a one-off mutant turns out to be an entire school, and before you know it, the town of Mulberry is under siege.

This is one of those books where you curse life for interfering with your reading time because you just can't put it down (at least, that was my experience), but alas you must. Jeffrey does a great job leading the reader onward, ending each chapter in a min cliffhanger and compelling the reader to keep reading. He's fleshed out his characters, the main ones at least, so you find yourself rooting for them to come out of this thing unscathed. Others he provided just enough detail to make them interesting, and then there's the cannon fodder, folks we know nothing about except that they aren't going to make it out if this siege alive. And I confess, as much as I was rooting for the Holdens and those they cared about, I was more concerned with what happened to Shazam. I'm often criticized for my view of the treatment of animals in horror fiction: I don't care how many people you kill (kids, adult, old people), just leave the animals alone. And by animals, I mean the family pets. And folks will ask, But what about the fish? In this case, even though they are doing what nature has programmed them to do, they are still the Big Bad here, mutations that should not exist within the realms of nature, so they have to go. So, for folks like me, yes, Shazam does survive.

If you're a fan on nature strikes back horror, films and books like Night of the Lepus (adapted from The Year of the Angry Rabbit), Jaws, Piranha, Grizzly, and a whole host of movies from SyFy, then I can't recommend this book enough. Just turn off the TV, disconnect from Facebook and other social media, shut down your phones and tablets (unless you read on them), put up the Gone Fishin' sign, and and prepare for an action-packed tale of terror from the deep.

The Cover's the Best Thing

One can't help but feel disoriented going into Lee Cushing's Vladek. Chapter 1 feels like the continuation of the previous book. I have no way of knowing if this is true, but the way we're dropped right into the middle of things with no explanation, I can only assume that is the case. The lack of details leaves the reader very little to go on. When you read, you rely on the author to paint a picture that you can envision in your mind. Reading this is like looking at a blank canvas while stick figures move around.

The author also assumes the reader has read the previous books (I'm guessing) because we're introduced to characters, and you get the impression you should know who these people are, but for somebody coming into the series fresh, we have no clue. As above, there's nothing about the characters, so they become paper dolls being moved around the stage. We find out that they were on the plan when it crashed (we later find out it was a bomb), and they walk away as if they're taking a stroll on the beach. They're being pursued by military types (?) with guns, but you never at any time feel a sense of menace or threat. When you find out that there's a bounty on the man's head, you'd figure the would-be assassins would know what type of creatures they are dealing with and be armed accordingly, but they stumble through and are easily (too easily) dispatched. When they arrive at the lodge, a descript of the surroundings would be helpful, but the author gives us nothing, so we assume the desk clerk is the only one present. But wait, there's a man there also, which I'm sure our hero would have noted when he took in the surroundings. Oh, and wait, there are more guests that magically appear when the author realizes he needs more people present. These people should have expressed some reaction when these strangers arrived, strangers who have been stumbling around in the wild and should appear dirty and disheveled and the woman is barefoot, but there's nothing. 

I really wanted to like this based on the cover, which is awesome, and the synopsis, but sadly, those are the best parts of this book. It is badly in need of some editing. Sentence structure if often awkward and the reader stumbles over it like the characters stumble over dead bodies. There are sentences where words are missing or misspelled, and the misspellings are often comical -- sceptic when skeptic is meant. Sceptic gives a whole new meaning to the sentence, and not in a good way. In Chapter 5, a character's last name changes from one sentence to the next: first, Billy King, and in the very next sentence, it's Billy Welles. 

Should the author decide to revisit this, giving it a full revision, fleshing out details, then turn it over to an editor, I would love to read through this again to enjoy the story, but as it stands now, it's just painful to read.

If Lifetime Made Holiday Slashers...

 

This one popped up on one of my social media accounts. Don't remember if it was Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, or wherever. Something about the cover called to me. I mean, killer reindeer? What's not to love? And that goes for real reindeer and for killers dressed as reindeer. And I was lucky enough to have someone gift me a copy for Christmas, and I dove right in.

Welcome to Tinselvania, home of Tinsel Inc., the world's No. 1 GoTo for all things tinsel. Tinselvania, where every day is Christmas. Tinselvania, which has a non-existent crime rate. Until now.

You Better Watch Out doesn't take the time to ease you into the story. Forgit jumps right in with both feet, brutally killing one of the townsfolk in the very first chapter, impaling him on reindeer antlers. And now that we've got blood on our hands, the author takes a step back an introduces us to our heroine, Mary Classen, CEO of Tinsel Inc. Mary has it all: she's intelligent, has a loving family and caring and supportive friends, a job others would kill for... The only thing missing is a man in her life. That's not to say she needs one, but most locals feel intimidated by her, and given that just about everybody in town works for her, it wouldn't seem right to fraternize with her employees.

Enter Bright Harmon. Bright works for a competitor in NYC, and he's been sent to assess the company in order to try to acquire it for his boss. What he didn't plan on was falling in love with Mary (and let's face it, her name, especially given this turn of events, really should have been Meredith [Meri -- or Merri, for short]. Merri and Bright. Get it?). And Mary, despite all her bluster about not having time for a relationship and how she's perfectly content with her lonely life, reluctantly admits to having feelings for Bright. While their relationship blossoms, folks--her family, friends, and coworkers--are being killed off left and right. No one is safe. But why? And who is the man (or woman) under the reindeer costume?

While the book describes itself as a Christmas horror comedy, I found it to be heavy on the Christmas and horror and light on the comedy. It has its moments, especially when Mary's mother and Aunt are involved, but for the most part, it comes across more as a horror romance mystery. Normally I would bail on something like this. Romance? Me? Shudder. But Forgit blends the three together perfectly, and there's just enough blood, guts, and gore to offset the saccharine sweetness of new love, which is why I was able to forge right through, trying to piece together the clues the author leaves lying about like so much discarded tinsel. And just when you think you have it figured out, Forgit adds something else to the mix that leaves you questioning what you originally thought was going on, and leads you through a merry maze with twists, turns, and doublebacks that at times can leave your head spinning, or at the very least keep you off balance until the twisted, heart-pounding conclusion.

If you're looking for a holiday tale with that little extra something, then I can't recommend Forgit's You Better Watch Out enough. And based on the ending, I don't think we've seen the last of Tinselvania.